"I know that people have good intentions, but they don’t live your life."

Written by A Dear Black Woman

…I couldn’t detail my pain, joy, anger, nor frustration. I could no longer wrestle with the darkness of dawn. I could not concentrate on divulging the ways my chest felt like a ticking time bomb daily, or how many days I laid in bed crying eating donuts trying to convince myself that it would be ok. I couldn’t tell you how I was fighting for this ever changing mythological thing, that I had only seen a glimpse of, called a dream. I couldn’t tell you about my lack of support or longing for love. I could not tell you about another failed attempt at employment, nor another disappointing date. I could not tell you about my fragmented family relationships, nor my crumbling friendships. I could not tell you about my financial woes. I could not tell you about my plentiful failures, nor the look of judgment in their eyes. I could not talk about good things either, while they felt few and far between, so I chose to celebrate you all. Imagining walking in your shoes, bathing in the light of your accomplishments, landing jobs, being loved well, starting families, graduating, chasing dreams, being the first Black woman to ever… All while struggling with your own difficulties. While I don’t imagine any of it being easy, you make it look as such. I was hurting in plain sight, unraveling daily, wrestling with the light inside of me, putting the cart before the horse, fighting to be seen. 

“You did not want to be bound by the judgmental looks of naysayers, nor the grasp of a reality you chose out of pressure to provide for yourself, nor left with only the remaining fragments of your soul that you sold for $12 an hour. You held onto hope, even when it ran from you...”

I was growing, failing, failing, failing, growing, laughing, eating, changing, persevering, hurting, crying, yelling, applying, failing, fighting, ignoring, exposing, crying, failing, winning, failing, cooking, cleaning, working, hustling, ignoring, fighting, adulting, failing, persevering, trying, healing, hurting, yelling, crying, trying, thinking, breathing, living, dying, fighting, dreaming, doing, loving, talking, seeing, changing, reeling, healing, pushing, folding, giving, giving, giving, thinking, resenting, hoping, pressing, demanding, sharing, loving, dreaming, needing, being, freeing, standing tall.

I was fighting to not become everything I told myself I would not be, fighting to create the life 21 year old me dreamed of, within 25 year old me’s limited ability. Trying to paint a sunset with 25 shades of blue. Trying to grapple with the wisdom of elders against the feelings of dissatisfaction with the life I was on track to live. I was not asking for too much. I would not settle in any area of my life. I was being selfish and maybe even foolish, but I was the one who had to sleep inside myself at night, and move within myself every day. You don’t want too much. You are the one who has to live within the narrative you create. You are young and possess the pen needed to change the narrative. 

I know there were moments when people didn’t believe in you, because you could not find words to describe what you were chasing, but you felt in your being that it would find you, and that when it did you wanted to be free to run through a field of flowers and jump into its arms. You did not want to be bound by the judgmental looks of naysayers, nor the grasp of a reality you chose out of pressure to provide for yourself, nor left with only the remaining fragments of your soul that you sold for $12 an hour. You held onto hope, even when it ran from you faster than Usain Bolt. You held onto hope like your tear stained pillow. Thank you for being foolish enough, brazen enough, hopeful enough to hold onto hope. 

I know that people have good intentions, but they don’t live your life. They don’t sit with you 24/7, 365. They only know the parts of your story you tell them. But you know. You know it all. Don’t be ashamed of any of it. You may share it all one day. You may choose not to. 

Know that I am proud of you. You are not graduating law school or med school, you are not getting married or even dating, you are not traveling the world, you are not running an amazing super business, you are not a celebrity or a Hollywood star, you are not rich or financially stable, but you are worthy, just as worthy as all of the people you are. I know that contentment alludes you and jealousy lingers over your head, especially when trudging through the uncertainty of 25, and that’s ok. 

I apologize for the times I’ve compared our journey to others. I apologize for not loving, valuing, or celebrating you like I should. I am sorry for not always giving you permission to be or feel. I apologize for censoring you or making you shrink yourself. I was only trying to protect you. Thank you for being there for me, being gentle and patient with me. Thank you for never giving up on me even when I had reached my emotional capacity and felt unable to care. Thank you for loving me at my biggest, and being aware that we do engage in emotional eating, knowing that it is not healthy, but allowing it because some days it is the only thing that gets us through. Thank you for creating the rope that we hold onto and holding on for dear life. Thank you for being here even when being taken for granted. Thanks for not letting the things outside, change you on the inside.

You are… 

Amazing. Unbreakable. Funny. Kind. Loving. Dream-filled. Purpose-driven. Hopelessly-romantic. Flirty. Corny. Flakey. Selfish. Sensitive. Needy. Inconsistent. Procrastinator. Creative. Fun. Giving. Light. Black. Courageous. Woke. Soft. Feminine. Lovely. Controlling. Talkative. Tech-consumed. Change-agent. Sister. Daughter. Granddaughter. Niece. Cousin. Friend. Wife. Believer. Doer. Dreamer. Failure. Success. Mother. Entrepreneur. Scholar. Philanthropist. Artist. Speaker. Coach. Program-director. Stable. Secure. Alive. 

Loved.

And worthy of love.

Loved by God. Loved by yourself. Loved by others. Incredibly flawed. Highly imperfect. Called for such a time as time. Steps ordered. Greater coming. Shaped and molded. Everything you need inside.

Never be afraid to take risks. The risk may be worth the reward.

Do not grow weary in well doing, for in due time, you shall reap, if you do not faint.

Your greater is coming. 

Your time has arrived.